Divorce is a difficult process that requires individuals to endure the gamut of emotions.   Sometimes the anger is overwhelming.  Sometimes the sadness is petrifying.  Other times there is pure elation when the window of freedom is finally in sight.  While going through a divorce it is imperative that these emotions are handled appropriately to provide for the best long-term growth.  Blame often stifles any opportunity to overcome what may have occurred in the past and is one of the top reasons why litigation continues. The emotional rollercoaster seems to never end… the children begin to act out… and the cycle goes on and on.

In divorce proceedings, particularly with children, both parties are under the microscope.  One or both parents will often allege that the other parent may have not been a good parent, while identifying every small mistake the parent ever made—when it is common knowledge that all parents make mistakes.  Some people will get caught up in describing in detail every negative thing the person they once loved has ever done to them or the children while minimizing any of their shortcomings or errors. Hardly ever is this productive in casting a successful future for the parents or the children.

We always hear from relationship guru’s that, the more you focus on the negative and blaming the other person, the worse it gets.  In fact I once heard a quote that “what we focus on grows” (anonymous).  The same is to be said in divorce proceedings.  When parents or former spouses focus all of their time and energy on what the other spouse/parent did wrong they aren’t addressing the solution or being proactive in determining how change will come in the future.  Instead the cycle continues which often leads to damaging effects for everyone involved.  Instead of focusing on the other person, parties need to focus on themselves and realize what they may have done to contribute to the problem.  You truly only have control over your behavior and emotions.  The sooner a party or parent learns this and focuses instead on improving themselves and maintaining a positive outlook, the faster things get resolved, the lower the litigation expenses, and the more likely all parties involved will come out on top with minimal damages despite the divorce.


This blog should be used for informational purposes only. It does not create an attorney-client relationship with any reader and should not be construed as legal advice. If you need legal advice regarding Divorce and the Blame Game, or other family law issues,  please feel free to contact our Family Law Section at  480.461.5300, log on to udallshumway.com,  or contact an attorney in your area. Udall Shumway PLC is located in Mesa, Arizona and is a full service law firm. We assist Individuals, families, businesses, schools and municipalities in Mesa and the Phoenix/East Valley.